ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
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[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please