Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Can’t stop laughing
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.