wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I bet
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
#TopTip
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.