My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
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I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.