“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
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When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
scares
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.