men, we mow at sunrise.
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Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*