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SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.