getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
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GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.