7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
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[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.