Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me trying to reach for my goals