[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
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[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.