‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
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Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
the rocks need my help
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time