ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.