[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
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My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
a fate I wish upon no one
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*