My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
LMAO.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.