Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
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Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
What personal space?
My dog
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy