When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
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[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person