i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
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My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*puts my mental health in rice
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
A leaf blower, but for people.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.