They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.