Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
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Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites