How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
You Might Also Like
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.