How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
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It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights