My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
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I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
😎 🍻
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Watermelon Boss!
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff