You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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When you kidnap a writer.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
How does one answer this?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
won’t smith
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking