I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf