If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
You Might Also Like
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*