Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat