Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
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Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
2023 was just a warmup
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
A fake ID that makes you younger
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Become ungovernable.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.