[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.