Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔