I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
“That’s what” – She
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.