For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
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[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Carpe DM
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs