My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
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Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry