everyone’s a critic
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I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.