One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
These are my roll models.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family