every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
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Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Sooo many times…..
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.