*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
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The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Beware of fowl play.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust