[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
You Might Also Like
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I got soap in my shower beer again.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.