My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
You Might Also Like
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket