Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
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Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that