Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
sigh
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
*has no idea what a book even is*
Siri: Retweet me.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.