You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
You Might Also Like
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
This rocks
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent