4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
meow
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.