Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I want to know about the Oreo incident…