Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
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[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
This is my favorite one of these!
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?