Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*