GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
ibopfufen
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.