“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
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Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
HR said no more nunchucks.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Carpe DM
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”