The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
The pen is writier than the sword.