Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
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DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Current mood: Potato
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.